My War: Anxiety and depression and me by Diane Hartshorn

Happy New Year. Except it’s not really. Not for many of us. This is a guest submission from Diane Hartshorn, an oldy but goldy friend that I sadly haven’t seen in person for more years than is actually conscionable, considering we used to be as thick as thieves. Now that we are living a relatively short distance apart, we are going to do something about that…

Remember that even if you don’t directly identify, the struggle is real for many around you that are suffering in silence and putting a brave face on it. This is Diane’s war, and if you don’t like it, then “you’re one a’ THEM!“, so fuck you!

Anyway, Diane has also selected a song to accompany this article, so make sure you read through and have a blast of the video at the bottom.

Anxiety and depression.

It’s having your bath water too warm.
It’s endless lists and calculations.
It’s thinking about thinking.
It’s throwing up at the thought of social situations.
It’s a monster on your back that makes your body hurt.
It’s never feeling good enough.
It’s wanting to be alone.
It’s crying.
It’s looking at the mess around you and wandering why you shove so many things you don’t need into already over flowing cupboards.
It’s questioning innocent things and coming to your own worst conclusion.
It’s looking in the mirror and asking yourself ‘what the fuck is that looking back at me?’
It’s wanting to, but can’t right now do something about what’s looking back at you.
It’s fake smiles.
It’s acting.
It’s pretending to be interested.
It’s picking at your scalp.
It’s picking at your skin and nails until they bleed.
It’s wondering why the fuck have I become this person.
It’s why you can’t get out of bed.
It’s why your head hurts.
It’s why your body hurts.
It’s why you hurt others and think you disappoint others.
It’s when someone says ‘have a bath’, ‘get some clean clothes on’, ‘if you go out you will feel better’.
It’s about none of those things working.
It’s about not wanting to shave body parts.
It’s about not wanting to bathe.
It’s about sweating and enjoying your own smell.
It’s about having those days when everyone can fuck off.
It’s about knowing you won’t hurt yourself because you have a cat that needs you.
It’s about not hurting yourself because your father is ill and your mother can’t cope on her own.
It’s about you doing everything for everyone and no one doing it for you.
It’s about obligations you can’t get out of.
It’s about you.
It’s about how your feelings are valid.
It’s about partners saying they ‘can’t understand you and don’t want to’.
It’s about headaches from crying.
It’s about being sick in a sink.
It’s about having a red and blotchy face and trying to cover it with rudimentary make up.
It’s about lying. All. The. Damn. Time.
It’s about having a job.
It’s about paying bills.
It’s about being expected to adult when you regress into a child.
It’s about you.
It’s about me.
It’s about us.
It’s about being kind.
It’s about not putting pressure on anyone.
It’s about acknowledging that metal health is a thing.
It’s about acceptance and no judgement.
It’s about…. we got this….

Feels right now.

Tony of Nurgle is a true child of the North, currently living in exile in Croydon, South East London. He used to co-run a specialist record store in Manchester (Roadkill Records), and also spent a couple of years as a promoter, and put on shows for the likes of Leatherface, the Loved Ones, Lucero, Minus The Bear, These Arms Are Snakes, Spy vs Spy, Latterman etc. He also spent several years DJing at shady rock clubs in Manchester, and started the infamous Thursday night "punk room" at Jilly's Rockworld. Also responsible for Middle Finger Response, and collaborated with a couple of friends on a monthly night called Refuse to Lose, which will still occasionally reunite the original DJ line-up - hopefully in the not too distant future. Apart from that, it's all bitterness and a jaundiced view of human nature, rarely skateboarding, often reading books with maps in the front.

One comment

  1. [* Shield plugin marked this comment as “trash”. Reason: Failed GASP Bot Filter Test (comment token failure) *]
    I love this! I have depression and anxiety and never fit in anywhere and hate going places because of having to be around people and I suck at talking with people and hate going to work because I’m not a people person and I hate having to feel like I should smile when I hate most everyone. Stopped drinking. Doing other stuff now. It’s day-by-day. You’re not alone!

    Cheers from a punk rock in PDX!!

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