The Glorious Sons – Young Beauties & Fools (Earache, 2018)

Ah, Earache Records. What once was the last bastion of heaven for the extreme and downright disgusting of the heavy metal world, is now reduced to repressing all those classic records that once made the label so vital and exciting in order to help fund the handful of classic rock influenced new bloods they’ve signed. Quite possible the antithesis of what the label was to begin with.

The Glorious Sons are one of those aforementioned new bloods. Playing a radio friendly take on rock so sickeningly banal it makes Nickleback sound like Gorguts. With that specific description in mind, you can only imagine the (lack of) originality this album presents. When you see a rock album, you want it to actually ‘rock’. This is so weak it couldn’t even get your pissed up dad dancing on the local pub’s table.

It’s not even the fact that this album is an awful misrepresentation of the label’s history… It’s just not good either. Not even average. Every song just plods and meanders along, with little to no depth at all. You’d think this is the result of a rock singer winning The X Factor. The fact that this is going to have the Earache stamp upon it, alongside classics like From Enslavement to Obliteration (Napalm Death), Heartwork (Carcass) and Altars of Madness (Morbid Angel) just sickens me to the very core of my being.

Perhaps if you’re looking for your least favorite parts of Alter Bridge, Hinder, Daughtry etc. collected together within one artist, then this is the album for you. Or maybe someone you love has really ragged you off proper and you are looking for a more offensive item than a turd in a shoe box to send them in the post, then Earache have got you covered with this.. Otherwise steer clear.

2/10

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